October 8, 1999 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

When I'm given food, how should I return the plate?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

I live down the hall from an elderly couple who say hello all the time when we see each other, and often give me cookies or other

treats.

These are always on a real china plate, and I never know what to do with the plate. I know I have to give it back, but do I wash it and return it the same day? Am I rude for not giving them anything? I'm no cook. Cookie Monster

Dear Tempting Plate,

Here's the rule: Never Return a Plate Empty. Bring it back with comparable content. If someone brings you cookies, return with something sweet, or something round; biscuits or crackers are also nice.

Don't worry if you have no time or inclination for cooking. You can buy something, like some nice berries, or cookies. Nothing with its name stamped on it. You're going for the illusion of personal effort.

Arrange them nicely, plastic wrap 'em up, and take them to your neighbors. With a

Sebastian Cole

Continued from page 15

definitely a departure from tradition.

"One of the things I don't like about most coming-of-age movies is that at the end of them, things suddenly become clear and everything makes sense,' " Williams said. "High school--that time of life in general is filled with so many changes that those sorts of stories always seem unnatural."

The production notes indicate that the filmmakers were trying to capture "the randomness of adolescence."

The movie does in many ways achieve this. The story line itself has the attention span of a teenager. Themes and subplots are introduced and dropped, or sometimes introduced and carried for awhile before being unceremoniously dumped. As the production notes describe it: "The film is structured around the unpredictable chain of events in Sebastian's life that yearSebastian's bold capers alternated with intimate moments--instead of a traditional plot."

Though this is an interesting and welldone artistic touch, one result is that there is very little sense of resolution.

What this film does not provide, that a traditional plot would, is a resolution at the end.

The only way the audience has a sense that the end of the story is approaching is the use of a familiar device--the film begins with the first half of the last scene. When we return to that scene much later, it signals that the movie is about to end. This is where, in most films. questions are answered, the conflicts brought up throughout the movie are brought to a resolution, and the audience can leave with a sense of completion.

The ending of The Adventures of Sebastian Cole is abrupt and confusing, leaving the audience feeling unsatisfied and bewildered. The movie seems to be arbitrarily cut short.

However, for those who don't crave resolution at the end of a story, this movie has much to offer. It has talent written all over it--the cinematography is beautiful, and the editing is clean. Transitions between scenes are often made with only a subtle suggestion of what went between-where most mainstream movies clobber the audience over the head with explanatory details.

The acting and writing is also superb. The dialogue is real and engaging. In ad-

baking pan to return, if you don't feel comfortable making a box cake or brownies (not that hard, if your oven works), get an unfrosted cake from the bakery that pretty much fits in the pan, jam it in there, and frost it with canned frosting to cover up any weird edges.

Don't worry if your offering looks a little funky. It's not contest, and they're probably giving you things because they like you and feel the need to feed you. You just want to show that you're grateful for their generosity, and that you weren't brought up in a barn.

Now, knowing this, you must remember to extrapolate from this rule its corollary: It's discourteous to set someone up to have to return your dish with something in it. If a pal is sick and you're bringing over some soup, don't bring it in your favorite pot that they'll have to drag their sick ass out of bed to wash, and then have to deal with returning. Think disposable containers. Save a few takeout containers as they pass through your home for situations like this. Another strategy is to always have a few thrift-store plates and bowls around that you don't mind giving away.

Tell your pal to keep it, and use it next time they need to bring something to someone.

dition to a stellar performance by Clark Gregg, big-screen newcomer Adrian Grenier manages to play a Sebastian that's both loveable and exasperatingly credible as a teen rebel. Grenier's face may look familiar-he's also in the movie You Make Me Crazy, which was just released last week.

The production notes say that Williams' ambition for the film was to create believable characters and a believable world. If this is the case, he aimed low and overshot. The characters are not only believable, but compelling.

Williams said that he hopes audiences will "walk out feeling like they've just met these people, spent some time with them, and walked away with a little bit of a better understanding of who they really are."

No doubt, he achieved his goal. Perhaps that's enough.

The Adventures of Sebastian Cole opens October 8 at the Cedar-Lee Theater in Cleveland and October 15 at the Drexel Theater in Columbus.

Curbside KEVIN

1999 BY THIS GUY: ROBERT M. KIRBY

MY MAMA DIDN'T COUNT ON HER OLDEST SON LIKING BOYS INSTEAD OF GIRLS, BUT HER INITIAL REACTION WASN'T HALF AS EXTREME AS MINE.

CLICK

LIGHT T

SWITCH

DOOM

BOOM

, THUNDERBOLT

THEN I-I-

MUST BE...

I'M I'M... *

OUR FIRST THREE YEARS TOGETHER WERE BLISS, FOLLOWED BY TWO MORE YEARS OF TENSION, JEALOUSY, AND FIGHTS GALORE. I WAS HEARTBROKEN WHEN IT FINALLY ENDED. JUST SO.

YOU KNOW, YOU WERE ALWAYS THE MOST IMPORTANT TO ME, NO MATTER WHAT.

OH, I FEEL

IMPORTANT, RAIN.

One exception to the "Don't Return It Empty" rule is if you bring something to a party on a dish. Then it is your responsibility to get the dish when you leave, if you can delicately transfer any remaining morsels to another plate. If that is impossible, you need to let the host know you'll come by for it. And then do. The last thing

someone

needs when they're cleaning up after a party is a pile of mystery dishes.

Dear Tip,

Dear Sisterhood is Beautiful,

Thanks for the nod of support for Sally. And, since you've been able to find hundreds of lovers, I have utter faith that you will find that man who sees the woman in you, and wants a nonmonogamous relationship with her.

BIG TIPS

The letter from "Long Tall Sally" (September 3) really rang true for me! I'm 54, and am not gay, and gay men seem to feel uncomfortable around me (though, as a submissive, I'm a girl, so it's understandable), but I love making love with men.

When I'm with a man, I'm a woman. When I'm with women, I'm a woman as well. I've been aware of being like this since I was 15. I've had hundreds and hundreds of lovers, about two-thirds women. I've been married five times, all happily in their own ways.

The first one I left after five years, she remarried, had six children, then ran off with her high school lesbian sweetheart to the astonishment of her hubby. The second was a beautiful Haight-Ashbury Pisces. We had kids. I wanted to go back east. She wanted to stay in California.

The third one was a man in a woman's body. We had a fabulous sex life. Unfortunately, one of our kids was killed by a car, and we both watched it happen and our marriage didn't survive this. The fourth time I married a psychiatrist. That taught me plenty, although it was tamer sexually.

The fifth time was to a beautiful Pisces stripper/exotic dancer 14 years younger than me. This has lasted ten years and is really nice. I'd love to have a male lover to torture me a couple of times a week, but all the gay men who would qualify want other men. Anyway, this guy's not alone. There are others out here like us.

Know Who I Am and What I Want

NEVERTHELESS, WE BOTH PERSEVERED, MOSTLY BY LIMITING OUR CONVERSATIONS TO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING OTHER THAN ME AND MY PERSONAL LIFE. 1377 // YOUR BROTHER BROUGHT HIS NEW LADY FRIEND OVER YESTERDAY. I LIKE THAT GIRL. SHE'S ALRIGHT.

THANK You. BABY.

YES, I THINK SO TOO. CAN I BRING YOU MORE TEA?

THOUGH WE DIDN'T MAKE IT THROUGH AS A COUPLE, WE ARE STILL BEST FRIENDS. TRUTHFULLY, HE'S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND ALWAYS WILL BE.

NEXT ON THE HORIZON IS A STAGED VERSION OF MAHOGANY. I, OF COURSE, SHALL ESSAY THE TITLE ROLE.

ELU

AH.

Dear Big Tipper.

When visiting friends recently, I was offered a towel to use that smelled really musty. It was re-

ally gross, and I didn't want to use it after my shower. I ended up using a corner of it and being wet in my clothes. Should I have told them?

Dear Throwing In the Towel,

Daisy Fresh

Oh, my God: Is this a letter from one of my recent house guests? What could be more appalling than a revolted house guest? I'm going to go sniff my linens right now.

Okay, I'm back. No, you shouldn't tell them, it will just hurt their feelings. Did they take one from a stack somewhere? You could surreptitiously smell the others and pick a better one. Other than that? Four letters: BYOT. If you bring your own, you're in control. If your hosts think that's weird, tell them you have a soap allergy, and that you use a special product.

Concerned hosts: To avoid the social humiliation of mustiness, make sure wet towels hang somewhere that they dry quickly between uses, and if you can handle the smell, use scented dryer sheets. If possible, store your linens outside of the bathroom, and consider throwing a cinnamon stick or two (or some cloves or lavender in a mesh bag) in between the piles. Phew!

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

BY ROBERT KIRBY THEN I MET MY REAL DEAL.

I FOOLED AROUND A LOT BUT NEVER FELL IN LOVE. I WAS ATTRACTED TO SEXY-BUT-SHALLOW PARTY BOYS BACK THEN, I HAVE TO ADMIT.

HEY, THANKS.

I'LL CALL YA

HONEY, ΙΑΜΑ WORKING ACTOR, I WAIT TABLES OVER ON EIGHTH STREET.'

MAMA LIKED HIM

WHICH IS NOT TO SAY I'M NOT ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A REPLACEMENT TO FILL THAT

POSITION.

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE WITH YOU TONIGHT, KEVIN.

UM, ME TOO, VICTOR.

OK, MAYBE I'M JUST SHALLOW..

GOLD'S GYM

..BUT I ALWAYS WANTED MY FUTURE HUSBAND TO HAVE A NECK.